Cutting is a punishment for me... but that's not all.

I first started self-harming at age 10, digging my nails into my hand without even noticing it. This was a punishment for being angry, as dictated by my dissociative personality, L.B. In our home, the slightest emotion of the negative sort towards my overbearing father had dire consequences, and thus, L.B. helped me through alot of it.
However, now that I am grown, L.B. seems to have taken on my father's role. She punishes me for the slightest mistake by making me carve things into my left (or as she calls it my "weaker" arm). I try to reason with her, but she always wins. What is a girl to do with an omnipresent judge looking over her shoulder, gauging what she does by the morals and insane values of a man we had both declared we'd hated?
I am seeing a counselor and psychiatrist at this time, but I feel what I really need is the input of people who might possibly know what this feeling is like. Thank you for listening, and I hope someone out there can give me some insights.

Tenni,

I read your post and understand what you mean by "but that's not all" - I think. We are all here for different reasons and have different perspectives. I hope mine offers you some insight.

For me SI is more than punishment. More prevelantly it is a mechanism for coping with feelings that I often have difficulty articulating. I find that it provides immediate relief from what ever has triggered me. My triggers sadly revolve around the relationships I engage in with men. I do not have the experience of coping with an overbearing man but instead tend to gravitate towards men like my father who are aloof and emotionally unavailable.

The pain I feel that drives me to SI is not easily articulated. So I think that the SI allows me to manifest that pain into something that is tangible - something I can easily label as physical pain and put away. When I SI, my emotional pain is temporarily and quite effectively numbed but it is almost immediately followed by extreme guilt and shame which exaccerbates my pain in the long run. So it creates a cycle of self injury and self loathing. Pain -->SI -->Relief -->Guilt and More Pain. Atleast that is my experience.

I have done everything but talk to a professional. I have not because of an experience I had as a teenager in which my therapist violated my trust and would put me on the spot with my parents in the room. I'm well into my 30s and perhaps should be over it by now but it makes it hard for me to confide in a professional. When things are bad for me and I am trying to outwill my urge to SI, I'm successful if I can keep myself extremely busy but the level that is requires is exhausting so I lose more often than I win unfortunately.

I apologize for the rambling and hang in there.
-J

You know, in my life, I've pinpointed several different types of cutters: those who do it for attention; those who do it for emotional release; those who do it for self-punishment; and those who do it out of pure guilt. I can understand all these reasons, and never judge anyone for their reasons. My question is: Why? Why isn't this studied more closely? Professionals should be studying this epidemic and finding a solution.
I also understand your problem with the psychiatric community. One psychologist told me, after I confessed suicidal thoughts to her, "You should do it. No one will miss you." The next day, I took a bottle of pills and a bottle of wine and had my stomach pumped, winding up in the psych ward for the first time.
My point is, reasons vary. They may even vary day to day within the mind of the cutter.
If you are uncomfortable with professional help, perhaps you should turn to faith. It doesn't matter what faith, but sometimes it can help you get through a very tough time. I also understand the shame spiral involved. All you can tell yourself once you've done it is, "It's over with, there's nothing I can do to take it back." Try to take it as a learning experience. Feel those feelings of shame and anger or whatever, and say to yourself, "Was it worth it?" I'm not suggesting it will help overnight, but these are some coping techniques you can try, and I truly hope can help you.
I wish you all the best.
Tenni